If you follow me on Instagram (@itsjoypersonified) then you know that 2017 ended on a sour note and 2018 got off to a VERY rocky start for me. Hefty financial strain from an unexpected situation a few weeks before Christmas. Past emotional abuse triggers. Downright disrespect. Mercury was also in retrograde but I don’t think my frame of mind at the time helped much either. Typical every day life stressors mixed with the home buying process made for one overly anxious, extremely stressed out Alicia. By mid-January, my heart raced what seemed like a mile a minute from the time I placed my feet on the ground to get out of bed, until I climbed back into bed at night.
I felt myself slipping back into some of the same negative thought patterns I had while I was going through my divorce. Listen honey, when I tell you that I hit absolute rock bottom trying to recover from separation and then divorce…Trust and believe me. Please.
I will never allow myself to get that low in life ever again for two reasons;
- I had to fight like hell to put the pieces of my life back together.
- There are too many resources out here in these streets for me to be trying to deal with my emotions on my own when I don’t have to.
Back to February 2018.
My parents had been through the process of buying a home three times. This was uncharted territory for me and I handled 95% of the entire process on my own. On top of not knowing how to deal with my anxiety and stress, I had totally neglected any and all self-care by this point. I made a conscious effort to nip all the craziness in the bud. I found a therapist, asked my initial questions to feel her out, and had my first session with her two days later. My heart stopped racing by the end of our first session together.
Side note: Let me just take a quick second and acknowledge the blessing that is therapy. If you are struggling with an issue or feel overwhelmed with a certain aspect in your life, please consider seeking therapy. Going to therapy doesn’t make you crazy. Hell, it’s the exact opposite! Sitting with the shit that’s eating away at you does. If it doesn’t make you crazy it for damn sure changes you as a person. Some people develop defense mechanisms so when they’re triggered by a situation they can act as they’re not phased by it. That doesn’t work though. What you’re avoiding manifests in your life in other ways; you become bitter, jaded, angry, etc. Anger is a secondary emotion. Before a person feels anger they experience some other emotion like disappointment which in turn causes them to become angry. That’s just a little something I picked up in therapy, lol! But, I digress. Others spend their entire lives running from their problems, which keeps them from reaching their full potential. Long story short, get your ass in some therapy. I honestly think we could all benefit from it at some point.
Next to pushing an almost 9 lb. human out of my vagina, the homebuying process comes in close second as the most difficult experience I’ve been through. Giving birth was definitely less stressful. I can feel my heart rate picking up pace just thinking about what my mama and I went through to get our house. Ya’ll know I got anxiety so I’m not gonna force myself to relive the experience. Divorce fits right in there somewhere too, but you catch my drift.
When I separated from my ex-husband I moved back home with my parents. My parents divorced about a year and half ago. My mama, Spencer and me have been like the three amigas ever since. I’ve been asked several times “Why would you buy a house with your mom? What’s going to happen when you meet someone and he wants you to move?” Maybe not in those exact words, but the same intended message by different people.
Ya’ll. WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS?! We have got to change the narrative of these archaic ass expectations society places on women. Why TF do I have to wait for a man to come along to buy a house? Especially when rent on apartments and mortgage payments are about the same.
*In my Cardi B voice* Dear Future Husband, I’mma need you to be a “I love her because even though she’s with me, I know she’s fully capable and not afraid to go out and get what she wants, when necessary” type of man. Okurrrrr!
I took a much needed break from practically everything and everyone the week after we moved. I had a couple of days all to myself while Spencer took a trip with a family friend. I treated myself to a facial. My mama and I did a little furniture shopping and spent some time in one of our favorite places; the bookstore. I started reading an amazing book that has forever changed my thought process and made me become more aware of the things I say. I took a nap every single day in a different part of the house. Me and Spencer went for walks and really got to spend quality time with each other. We saw A Wrinkle in Time. I ended my vacation with some bomb ass crawfish and couple of Coronas. I also fell in love with a meditation app that now has this night owl up, with her bed made every morning earlier than…hell, ever in life as an adult with as many responsibilities as I have.
It just felt really good to check in with myself and re-calibrate my mindset. I can tell a huge difference in my demeanor from just a few short weeks ago. I made an effort to be fully present during this time as much as possible. I found myself getting choked up at such random moments throughout my vacation. I’m a little emotional right now. I just feel like I can finally see a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I’m pretty close to lightin’ that bitch up, but I’ll keep planting one foot firmly in front the other for now.
I’m so tremendously grateful for a multitude of things. I have found that even on the worst days, finding something to be grateful for is enough to humble you and minimize things from a perspective of lack or disappointment.
I’m so excited to see what the rest of 2018 has in store for me. Now that my personal life has become more settled I can focus on creating content for Joy Personified. If there’s anything you’re interested in me blogging about or questions you want answered, please feel free to leave a comment below, email me or slide in my DM’s in Instagram.
Love you, mean it.
My first house!